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Q: Did you hear that the British Post Office has just recalled their latest stamps?
A: Well, they had photos of Manchester United players on them - folk couldn't figure out which side to spit on.
Q: What has Old Trafford on a Saturday afternoon at 4.45pm got in common with Wormwood Scrubs Prison?
A: They are both full of cockneys trying to get out.
Q: How many Man U fans does it take to pave up a driveway?
A: Depends how thin you slice them.
Q. What would you call a pregnant Man United fan?
A: A dope carrier.
Q. What do you call a Manchester United fan with half a brain?
A: Gifted.
Michael Barrymore has offered Manchester United £1 million pounds to play as their striker because he wants 10 pricks behind him and 67,000 assholes jumping up and down.
Q: What do Manchester fans use as birth control?
A: Their personalities.
Q: How many Man U supporters does it take to stop a moving Bus?
A: Never enough.
Q: What's the difference between Alex Ferguson and God?
A: God doesn't think he's Alex Ferguson.
Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead Man Utd. fan?
A: Skid marks in front of the dog.
Q: What's the difference between a Man-U fan and a Vibrator?
A: A Man U fan is a real dick.
Q: Why can't you get a cup of tea at Old Trafford?
A: All the mugs are on the field and all the cups are at Chel**a
You're trapped in a room with a Grizzly Bear, a deadly Rattlesnake, and an Man Utd Fan. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
Shoot the Man United Fan. Twice.
The 7 dwarfs are down in the mines when there is a cave-in. Snow White runs to the entrance and yells down to them. In the dark distance a voice screams out "Scum are good enough to win the Premiership."
Snow White says "Thank God - at least Dopey's still alive!"
Q: What would you do if you saw a Scum fan walking towards you with a wound?
A: Stop laughing, reload and shoot again!.
Man*****r redsox have apparently set up a call centre for fans who are troubled by their current form.
The number is 0800 10 10 10.
Calls charged at peak rate for overseas users.
Once again the number is
0800 won nothing won nothing won nothing.
Q: What do you call 20 Manchester United Fans skydiving from an aeroplane?
A: Diahorrea
Q: What have Man Utd and a 3-pin plug got in common?
A: They're both bugger-all use in Europe.
A van driver used to amuse himself by running over every Manc*****r United fan he would see strutting down the side of the road in their ubiquitous red colours. He would swerve to hit them and there would be a loud "THUMP" and then he would swerve back on the road. One day, as the driver was driving along, he saw a priest hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the van over. He asked the Priest "where are you going, Father?",
"I'm going to say mass at St. Joseph's church, about 2 miles down the road" replied the priest.
"No problem Father! I'll give you a lift"! climb in!"
The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the van continued down the road. Suddenly the driver saw a Manc*****r United fan walking down the road and instinctively swerved to hit him. But, just in time, he remembered the bloody priest, so at the last minute he swerved back to the road, narrowly missing the scum bas***d. However even though he was certain he missed the glory-hunting shite, he still heard a loud "THUD." Not understanding where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see anything he turned to the priest and said
"I'm sorry Father, I almost hit that Manc*****r United fan,
"That's okay" replied the priest. "I got the f**ker with the door!"
Harry Redknapp was driving away from Upton Park after a recent home win. Harry had drunk a couple of celebratory beers and was in good humour. As he approached a pedestrian crossing he noticed a couple of low life in Man U kit starting to cross. Unfortunately Harry braked too late and collided with the pair. One of them span up through the windscreen of Harry's Merc and the other bounced off down the High Street rolling around in agony. P.C.Plod arrives and Harry explained "Sorry guv I didn't see them until it was too late". The constable,being a good Hammers fan says "Don't worry Mr Redknapp I'll book this one (pointing to the one embedded into the windscreen) for breaking and entering and I'll do the other arsehole for leaving the scene of the accident.
2 man Utd fans in London (at Home) walked past a shop and saw the sign- Shirts 50p Trousers £1.
One said 'great value! lets buy some.'
Other says 'don't let them know we're Man u fans or they'll try to rip us off.' So they hide their scarves.
They entered shop and asked for 6 shirts each & 6 pairs of trousers each.
The assistant asked "are you Man u fans" to which they replied "yes".
He said 'bugger off this is a launderette.'
A Leeds fan, an Arsenal fan and a Man******r united fan escape from prison. They ran for miles until they came upon an old barn where they decided to hide in the hayloft and rest. When they climbed up, they found three large sacks and decided to climb into them for camouflage.
About an hour later two police officers came into the barn. The sergeant told the constable to go up and check out the hayloft. When he got up there the sergeant asked him what he saw and the constable yelled back, "Just 3 sacks."
The sergeant told him to find out what was in them, so the constable kicked the first sack, which had the Leeds fan in it. He went, "Woof", so the constable told the sergeant there was a dog in it.
Then he kicked the sack with the Arsenal fan in it. He went, "Meow", so he told him there was a cat in it.
Then he kicked the one with the scum fan in it, and there was no sound at all. So he kicked 6 more times, and finally the scum fan said, “Potatoes".
Top tip for Man******r United fans: don't waste money on expensive new kits every season. Simply strap a large inflatable penis to your forehead, and everyone will immediately know which team you support.
Why does Sir Alex Ferguson make squelching noises as he walks??
'Cause he's a f***ing c**t!!!!.
A Man Utd fan dies on match day and goes to heaven in his Man Utd shirt. He knocks on the old pearly gates and out walks St. Peter in a Leeds scarf.
"Hello mate" says St. Peter, "I'm sorry, no Man Utd fans in heaven."
"What ?" exclaims the man, astonished.
"You heard, no Man Utd fans."
"But, but, but, I've been a good man", replies the Man Utd supporter.
"Oh really", says St. Peter. "What have you done, then ?"
"Well" said the guy, "Three weeks before I died, I gave 10 pounds to the starving children in Africa".
"Oh" says St. Peter. "anything else?"
"Well, 2 weeks before I died I also gave 10 pounds to the homeless."
"Hmmm. Anything else?"
"Yeah. A week before I died I gave 10 pounds to the Albanian orphans."
"Okay", said St. Peter, "You wait here a minute while I have a word with the governor."
Ten minutes pass before St. Peter returns. He looks the bloke in the eye and says, "I've had a word with God and he agrees with me. Here's your thirty quid back, now f**k off".
Q.What's the difference between Alex Ferguson and a jet engine??
A: A jet engine eventually stops whining!.
Q.What's the difference between Van Der Saar and Pamela Anderson?
A: Pammy's only got two tits in front of her
One day at the Man United training ground, and an hour before they are due to finish, Sir Angry Ferguson says "Lads, I’m gonna have to leave an hour early. Just carry on training and I’ll see you tomorrow." So they carry on and leave at the normal time.
The next day, Sir Alex says, "sorry again lads, but I’m gonna have to leave an hour early again. A spot of private business to attend to." When he's gone, Roy Keane says, "forget this, if he's going then I am too," and he takes off.
The next day, the same happens. "Sorry lads, gonna have to leave early again." So Keane says, "Come on lads, lets all go home, he'll not know". So they all went home.
When Phil Neville got back to his house, he saw the gaffer's car on the drive. So he quietly opened the door, sneaked upstairs and peeped through the bedroom door, only to be shocked by the sight of Ferguson making love to his wife.
Rather stunned, Neville left the house and goes for a walk. When he noticed the car had gone, he went back into the house.
The following day at training, Sir Alex says, "Gotta go again lads, sorry. Some private stuff to attend to." Once again, Keane says, "Come on lads, lets all go home again."
To which Neville replies, "forget that, I almost got caught yesterday!"
Be on the lookout for a new breed of 'Evil Manc' computer viruses that could seriously affect / infect your PC.
There are many varieties of this virus, each affecting your computer in a different way. Details of each Variant of this virus are shown below.
The Man******r United Virus - This where the computer develops a memory disorder and forgets about every thing before 1993.
The Man******r United shirt virus - Designed to drain your bank account This one is especially hard to detect as it changes its format every three months.
The David Beckham virus - This affects newer computers mainly. The computer looks great, all the lights are on, but nothing works.
The Roy Keane virus - Throws you out of Windows.
The Alex Ferguson virus - The computer develops a continuous whining noise. The on screen clock runs a lot slower than all the other computers in the building.
The Solskjaer virus - Will take numerous attempts to get into the net often failing completely.
The Ryan Giggs virus - The computer develops a processor problem whereby it thinks it's better than it actually is. It also experiences dramatic fluctuations in performance.
The Fabien Barthez virus - You just can't save anything.
Laurent Blanc virus - Makes your Computer go really slow and Creates big holes in your Hard-Drive!
The Phil Neville virus - The worst of all, ruins all memory of basic functions and programmes, randomly delivering data to the wrong goal. Also weakens all communications within the network
Dressing Room virus - Appears when the system fails. Reboot may be dangerous.
Q: How many Man******r Utd. fans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to change the bulb, one to buy the "1997 lightbulb changing" commemorative T-shirt and video, and one to drive the other two back to Torquay.
Q: Why do NASA send their astronauts to train at Old Trafford?
A: It's the only place in the world with no atmosphere!.
A Man Utd scout returns from Bosnia raving about a new teenage superstar he's seen in the war torn country. Ferguson is convinced and is so desperate for no one else to snatch him up that he signs the boy without looking at him for himself.
The boy arrives in Man******r for Saturday's game, and is on the bench. With ten minutes to go Van Nisselroy gets injured and is stretchered off. Ferguson points to the new Bosnian boy: "This is your big chance, son. Go out there and do the business for us".
The lad strips off his tracksuit and takes to the pitch. In those dying minutes he's a revelation, scoring a hat trick. Prawns fly everywhere as the crowd go mad (for it).
After the game Ferguson gives the new boy a big hug in the changing room. "Great performance son. Go and give your parents a ring at home. They'll be so proud of you. You can use the phone in my office".
The lad goes into the boss's office and rings his mum:
Boy: "Mum, I've just had the best debut; I scored a hat-trick! You don't sound very happy though; why are you crying? Is everything okay?"
Mum: "No, son, today has been the worst yet. Your dad has been shot, they've raped your sister, and the house has been burnt to the ground."
Boy: "God, mum, that's terrible; I'm really sorry"
Mum: "So you should be. It was your idea for all of us to move to Man******r!"
Q: What's the difference between a female Man******r United Fan and a pit bull?
A: Lipstick.
Q: Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, a Man******r United Fan from Man******r, and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a 50 note. Who gets it ?
A: The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythical creatures.
Q: What is the difference between a Man******r United Fan and a trampoline?
A: You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline!
Q: What do you call 5000 dead Man******r United Fans at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start!
Have you heard the one about the Manc who bought an AM radio ?
He'd had it two years before he realised he could listen to it in the afternoon.
A Man Utd fan ordered a pizza. The clerk asked if he wanted it cut into 6 or 12 pieces, the Manc replied:
"Six please, I could never eat twelve pieces."
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